So tired... from strength expended through a combination of church life, work life, st leo's tutoring, and life, life, life, and just life....
And also stretching my patience, my endurance, my empathy, my (limited) language skills and other skills, my (unfortunately limited) love for others, all to the limit.
At church today, I knew something wasn't right. Can't worship God freely, intuition tells me, something is gettin' in the way. In my tiredness, a few things have crept up, and I can't help but feel like my feet have left the ground, wanting to uplift myself into the air... which is what satan did -- he wanted to be God, not just like God. And God struck him down like a lightning flash. Oh, all the thoughts outside of me from old sins -- sins I thought I'd already dealt with fully and was victorious over them too. Oh how they come back to bug me, whether internally or externally...
Working in the finance sector and as someone who also struggles to make ends meet, one thing I really have to keep red hot on my heels for is this -- one person cannot have two Gods. If he/she loves one, he/she cannot love the other. So one cannot worship money and God at the same time. Pastor Chen, in his sermon today, taught and reminded us -- it is not that we cannot be rich on earth, but rather, it is that you have to be willing to sacrifice all your money and all your worldly goods, and treat them like poop is to your eyes before the Lord. God has to be your master and have authority over you, and you have to be the master of money and have authority over it to tell it what you want to do with it under God, rather than be led the other way round and let money pull you around by your nose ring and telling you what it wants you to do with your life under the dominion of the world and of satan. What he said hit something deep. And I know I've been looking at tithe a bit forcedly lately... and that's not right. Something invaded and intoxicated my view of tithe, and I gotta get the right view back -- I used to think that all 100% of pay was God's, and especially 10% is set aside for Him, no questions, and that 10% is not actually my money at all. For some subtle reason, these days I see just the 10% as God's and the 90% left MINEEEEE to pay the bills, to buy food, to pay the mortgage, to just live life... But that is wrong, u see? It was never mine. Even if God gave it to me, He still owns it, cuz he only borrowed it to me, so that I can be a good stewardess/manager of the money, answerable in accounting (think accountants) -- to Him in the end. Lord, that's not me. That me who is so selfish about MYYYYYY own money. I'm gonna throw that me away and adopt the me I wanna be and was. So I was praising God -- Oh Lord, how good art thou, and to be thine child, you give me a never-ending goal to reach towards, and tell me exactly what you don't like in me so that I have something to strive towards. Without vision and a goal to strive for, I lose all meaning in life, and how good are you, to always give me one...
Pastor Chen also said... Satan wants to tell you that you are good, you are not like those who are confuzzled and confused and misled, you really know the true Words of God, and you're just a really good Christian! Pastor Chen pointed to Book of Job and how Eliphaz thinks he knows everything, knows the truth, but in the end, the Lord says,
Being exhausted from sharing myself with my fellow Christian youth group friends, I have been finding that lately unknowingly, I get tricked into thinking exactly that -- that i'm not confused and misled, and that I know heaps more than others and can treat others as if they are younger and lecture at them as if they knew nothing. See thing is, as I'm sharing, I'm actively trying NOT TO do that, but in your mind it is slowly becoming something else. And the truth is -- yes, I do know things in a little more depth than some people! But -- not all! And certainly do not know everything!! So away from me, Satan, that is not me. And I shall keep my feet on the ground and will not take off with the fairies. And Lord, I repent before you all the notions of being prideful and arrogant and know it all. That is not the me I want to me, and you know my heart. Thanks for letting me know that I'm unconsciously behaving like that because you love me. I aint gon let any stupid thing/sin like that wreck our relationship -- the relationship I treasure more and the relationship that I know if I lose, I ain't got nothin' left.
You are truly a Good God. Your rod of rebuke and your staff that pulls me back -- they always always comfort me .... ^_^ *glad sigh*
And I will go ahead now, and deal with those things throughout the week and weed them out ... everything u don't like... is it that weed growing season again ar????
-your daughter.
我愛祢 不是愛給別人看.
And also stretching my patience, my endurance, my empathy, my (limited) language skills and other skills, my (unfortunately limited) love for others, all to the limit.
At church today, I knew something wasn't right. Can't worship God freely, intuition tells me, something is gettin' in the way. In my tiredness, a few things have crept up, and I can't help but feel like my feet have left the ground, wanting to uplift myself into the air... which is what satan did -- he wanted to be God, not just like God. And God struck him down like a lightning flash. Oh, all the thoughts outside of me from old sins -- sins I thought I'd already dealt with fully and was victorious over them too. Oh how they come back to bug me, whether internally or externally...
Working in the finance sector and as someone who also struggles to make ends meet, one thing I really have to keep red hot on my heels for is this -- one person cannot have two Gods. If he/she loves one, he/she cannot love the other. So one cannot worship money and God at the same time. Pastor Chen, in his sermon today, taught and reminded us -- it is not that we cannot be rich on earth, but rather, it is that you have to be willing to sacrifice all your money and all your worldly goods, and treat them like poop is to your eyes before the Lord. God has to be your master and have authority over you, and you have to be the master of money and have authority over it to tell it what you want to do with it under God, rather than be led the other way round and let money pull you around by your nose ring and telling you what it wants you to do with your life under the dominion of the world and of satan. What he said hit something deep. And I know I've been looking at tithe a bit forcedly lately... and that's not right. Something invaded and intoxicated my view of tithe, and I gotta get the right view back -- I used to think that all 100% of pay was God's, and especially 10% is set aside for Him, no questions, and that 10% is not actually my money at all. For some subtle reason, these days I see just the 10% as God's and the 90% left MINEEEEE to pay the bills, to buy food, to pay the mortgage, to just live life... But that is wrong, u see? It was never mine. Even if God gave it to me, He still owns it, cuz he only borrowed it to me, so that I can be a good stewardess/manager of the money, answerable in accounting (think accountants) -- to Him in the end. Lord, that's not me. That me who is so selfish about MYYYYYY own money. I'm gonna throw that me away and adopt the me I wanna be and was. So I was praising God -- Oh Lord, how good art thou, and to be thine child, you give me a never-ending goal to reach towards, and tell me exactly what you don't like in me so that I have something to strive towards. Without vision and a goal to strive for, I lose all meaning in life, and how good are you, to always give me one...
Pastor Chen also said... Satan wants to tell you that you are good, you are not like those who are confuzzled and confused and misled, you really know the true Words of God, and you're just a really good Christian! Pastor Chen pointed to Book of Job and how Eliphaz thinks he knows everything, knows the truth, but in the end, the Lord says,
"I am angry with you and your two friends, because you have not spoken the truth about me, as my servant Job has. 8 So now take seven bulls and seven rams and go to my servant Job and sacrifice a burnt offering for yourselves. My servant Job will pray for you, and I will accept his prayer and not deal with you according to your folly. You have not spoken the truth about me, as my servant Job has." (~Job 42)
Being exhausted from sharing myself with my fellow Christian youth group friends, I have been finding that lately unknowingly, I get tricked into thinking exactly that -- that i'm not confused and misled, and that I know heaps more than others and can treat others as if they are younger and lecture at them as if they knew nothing. See thing is, as I'm sharing, I'm actively trying NOT TO do that, but in your mind it is slowly becoming something else. And the truth is -- yes, I do know things in a little more depth than some people! But -- not all! And certainly do not know everything!! So away from me, Satan, that is not me. And I shall keep my feet on the ground and will not take off with the fairies. And Lord, I repent before you all the notions of being prideful and arrogant and know it all. That is not the me I want to me, and you know my heart. Thanks for letting me know that I'm unconsciously behaving like that because you love me. I aint gon let any stupid thing/sin like that wreck our relationship -- the relationship I treasure more and the relationship that I know if I lose, I ain't got nothin' left.
You are truly a Good God. Your rod of rebuke and your staff that pulls me back -- they always always comfort me .... ^_^ *glad sigh*
And I will go ahead now, and deal with those things throughout the week and weed them out ... everything u don't like... is it that weed growing season again ar????
-your daughter.
我愛祢 不是愛給別人看.
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